Dairy Queen Desserts of Disaster, pt. 1

After visiting a dairy queen last night, which still is as i remember from childhood, an oasis of dairy goodness locked in a desert of concrete, i came to the decision that some of dq's delicious treats seem to be named after disasters.

there is of course, the blizzard. a concoction of soft serve ice cream and the mixer of your choice. According to wikipedia, the source of easily-accessible absolute truth, "A 'Blizzard' is a severe winter storm condition characterized by low temperatures, strong winds, and heavy blowing snow. Blizzards are formed when a high pressure system, also known as a ridge, interacts with a low pressure system; this results in the advection of air from the high pressure zone into the low pressure area. The term blizzard is sometimes misused by news media to describe a large winter storm that does not actually satisfy official blizzard criteria."

this definition fails to mentions the snickers bits that populated mine last night, or that its ice cream component was born of a large 1950s robot looking machine.

my faith in wikipedia is wavering.

then there is the strawberry cheesequake, which as i understand is a stand alone delight and a blizzard option as well. i understand that the general american populous is fairly desensitized due to the media and grand theft auto, but why, oh why, is it necessary to push a cheesecake to catastrophic proportions? is not a cheesecake in and of itself a thing to be revered and slightly feared? it is not to be taken lightly. but a cheesequake. the name perplexes me. i assume that it is in reference to cheesecake and not just cheese. a quake of cheese.

quake, from the middle english, cwacian.

there, that clears things up.

basically there are only several things that cause quaking, according to merriam-webster: shock, instability, cold, or fear. hopefully it is never a combination of these things.

and then there is of course an earthquake, caused by the action of the tectonic plates . . . will my strawberry cheesequake have tectonic action? are there subduction zones to my soft serve which another dessert element might strike and force beneath it? do i require a special spoon? what effect might my dessert have on the immediate surrounding area? is my dessert the effect of a butterfly in brazil flapping its wings?

dairy queen, i have so many questions, and your backlit display board only promises me sweet goodness and a distraction from the answers i truly crave.

and if you're thinking to yourself, part one, does that mean there is more to follow, i offer this answer

yes. dairy queen, i am not quite through with you. i have actual desserts remaining, and then some suggestions for you and your team of top notch ice cream scientists, such as the shock and awe sundae and the terrorist tower twist . . . if you're going to touch the disaster of the natural, might as well include all other areas of life.