oh. my. god.

there is a woman in my salon who sounds just like Bea Arthur.

BEA ARTHUR!!!!

i want her to stay and talk all day long and i'll imagine it's her.

battledome rap showdown, auntie officiated

11:32 AM aubreylc: ballin'

me: shot callin'

11:33 AM aubreylc: bitches be fallin'

when they see you rawlin'

me: just strawlin'

down the pafement

11:34 AM aubreylc: locked up like the ho in the austrian sub-basement

11:35 AM jiji taking GRE to be in the top placement

but my rhymes be sick and dat be blatent

me: and my input has been most latent

11:36 AM and these times they be changin'

oh, slant rhyme, it is your time

time to shine with internal rhyme

i will roll and jiji climb

11:39 AM aubreylc: fine, but slant shit aint like mine,

walking in the woods smellin' pine

-sol, while i fall, into a wall

11:40 AM makes me crawl, bitin' heads off ya doll

11:41 AM me: that makes no sense,
i demand recompense-
yours be like a bear in heat
that has took suck from liquor's teat?
if that the case then you best erase
those last lines
cause they be a crime

13 minutes

11:55 AM aubreylc: listen to you ramblez, like a wild horse stuck and bleedin' ta death in da bramblez/ you just can't lite them bluntz or hold up a candlez, cuz next ta me ya just pan-handlez

7 minutes

12:02 PM me: when this lesson get to be geography
talking panhandles with a z
when what you say makes me want to z. z. zzzzz. zzzzzzz.
so go on git, go off and buzz
or else i'll be callin the fuzz

12:07 PM aubreylc@gmail.com has joined

jinabkim@gmail.com has joined

me: jiji wants to flow

and everyone needs to know

that jiji's rhyme come from the east

jinabkim: my rhymes are as slanted as my eyes

12:09 PM aubreylc: lolz

jinabkim: and as ecstatic as my thigh

s

aubreylc: but when you frontin' you just full of lies

jinabkim: look at these thighs of ecstasy

aubreylc: runnin home to mama whilst you cry cry cries

jinabkim: your gams can't even get next to me

aubreylc: alpharetta, you think ya betta?

12:10 PM me: ooooh good one

jinabkim: it's so cold out I need a sweata

you say you a knight but I think you just a pawn

me: alpharetta, imma call you out
sittin in the north with all your clout
why you steal atlanta's money
sucking up our sweet tax honey
you can't hear the children cry
wrapped in your castles
in
the
sky

jinabkim: dang

I was in the middle of my cubsey diss

12:12 PM me: use shift+enter to cohere your diss

jinabkim: haha

I need to cohere my diss

12:13 PM aubreylc: (thanks jared,, i couldn' figure that out)

12:14 PM this contest is a piss
ya'll should take ur seats and hold onto your meats

12:15 PM jinabkim: Krystal knight? More like pawn of cubic zirconia
You think you authentic but you so phony, yeah
Your quartz formation is a crime to the nation
And your rhyme scheme is a sorry situation

me: AHAHAHAHAHA

12:16 PM what you say, speak up quick
i think your mouth's
full of shaun's dick
your argument is starting to crumble

cause i can't understand penis mumble

jinabkim: hahahahaa

me: jujube, it's tag team time
let's see kub-z retort in rhyme

12:17 PM jinabkim: too busy with the crystals
to shoot us with his rhyming pistols

aubreylc: it be so busy,

ya'll got be in a tissy

12:18 PM i wanna fight fire wit fire, but ya'll gunna git me fired

(i know lame rhyme)

(but i am secretly hatin' yall)

and will return, for ur turn

lol

jinabkim: hahahaaa

me: hahahahaha

12:19 PM is it monsoon season
and i ask for one reason

cause kub=z be burried
like manilla in a mudslide

jinabkim: haha

I'll be the hip-hop nazi

what say for a game of yahtzee

12:22 PM we'll invite fonzie and potsie

12:23 PM me: yahtzee?
that game is shit
make it parcheesi

and make it quick

jinabkim: what about a game of the apple variety

12:24 PM we all love it so, and don't lie to me

but we must be drunk, no sobriety

me: hahahahaha

jinabkim: and rahul will make pia sob quietly

12:25 PM me: that bitch suffers chronically

cause she offends us all karmicly

12:26 PM aubreylc: OH HELL NOZ!
ya'll be a tag team of hoz,
dogz, betta back the fuck up,
gunna yank yur choke chain/cokekain like yuz a pup,
lassie and jub jub,
think ya sassy but ya tub tub,

when i'm done ur gunna blub blub

callin leo for a rub rub

me: hahahahahah

jinabkim: getting krunk in the klub klub

me: gonna smash yer fugly mug mug

12:27 PM aubreylc: mockin me is cool, but you fuck wit my man and us a fool

while i'm choking on cock, you getin fucked on the block

jinabkim: ahahahaha

aubreylc: now ya'll can't talk

take a walk

yea, son a walk

12:28 PM me: your man be smeagol cause he gots a ring
and now you his private plaything
sitting the dank dark cave
might as well be a grave grave

hope ya like raw fish
wanna hear you say delish

12:29 PM jinabkim: what he gon' do? serve me up with some hashbrowns?
i'll fry it over easy and make him look like an ass clown
because son, I got talkin' trash down

aubreylc: u think this gunna make me cry?

u think this gunna make me die?

12:30 PM jinabkim: serve me some free french fries
to compensate for all your lies
is this what it sounds like when krystal kries?

me: no fool, you need a heart to die
and i never expect tears from your eye
you've got aluminum under that skin
it's what holds your circuts in

cause
you

a

bot

12:31 PM jinabkim: someone diss me for chrissakes

12:32 PM me:

jujube
your name a snack
and i wonder whether you can
weather this attack
cause i'mma sneak up on your back
ninja style
wait for a while
then diss yo style
cause what you got you stole from me
a tee hee
a tee hee hee

12:37 PM jinabkim: you a dirty-clean hybrid?
more like a poseur and a spy kid
your mata hari act brings tears to my eyelid

12:38 PM me: hahahahaha

jinabkim: they be made of pizza so listen and I'll teacha

12:39 PM if you diss me I'll find yo' ass and I'll beat ya

12:41 PM me: beat me with your tiny fists?
don't struggle or i'll break yo writs
you just mad cause you've got no tryst
so next time we're out
allow my assist.
you best not attack a wingman
or else you'll find a secret slam
the next time you play yo game

12:42 PM your stature small and features fine
but you best not draw any lines

and dare me cross

cause then you're lost

cause i come from the scottish highlands

and my stocky body is made for slams

12:43 PM body, verbal, i multi talented

jinabkim: you be talkin' just like yoda
signifying your paltry flow-da
now sit down while I grab a soda

me: girl, drink that aspatame
cause you know your flow is lame

it's not spinach

and you're not popeye

so why don't you hurry up and finish

12:48 PM jinabkim: Kub-z is typing

it's time to start griping

12:49 PM me: his words'll be welcome

cause my ass needs wipin

12:50 PM aubreylc: while ya'll chillz,
i be makin mad billz,
your hair is wack and u dress like a geek,
my shoes cost more than u make in 2 weekz

just sold some ear bling for 22k,
u sitin at home watchin rachel ray

12:51 PM i'm a holla to the bank cuz it'z ma payday, tonight i'm gunna fuck ma man with a solid gold dildo cuz we gay gay gay.

12:54 PM me: ahahahahahahaha

sooo goood

12:55 PM jinabkim: you gotta use a dildo cuz your dick don't satisfy
maybe your man needs a warm latticed pie

and if you don't get the metaphor than you're a foolish whore

12:56 PM and your brain looks like a genital sore

aubreylc: i gotz to go to star provision,
so ya bitches betta listen
i killz u till u dies,
gunna has hamburgerz n friez

12:57 PM me: hahahahaha

12:58 PM aubreylc: gus gus aint the only one who in da doghouse,
u step in ma house u best be quiet as a mouse

12:59 PM what was once intended was a pun,
go on git muzzle mutt i gotz a shotgun

1:00 PM me: i don't even have the energy to retort

jinabkim: me neither

king wizards

aubreylc: LOLZ

smeagol speaks lol catz?

me: hahahaha

yes

yes he does

2:45 PM aubreylc: my preziouz

we wantz itz

givez itz to mez

me: hahahahaha

i iz in your backpacks, stealingz ur ringz and lembas breadz

2:47 PM aubreylc: tolkien was a master of linguisticsa

he even mastered lol catz decades ahead of its time

2:48 PM me: hahahahahahaha

2:49 PM aubreylc: lemazzzzz breadz

lolz

rolf

for realz

me: hahahahahahahaha

2:50 PM aubreylc: i iz hatin' the silli fatz hobbitz

me: i am in your darkness, finding them allz and binding themz

aubreylc: OMG

omg

omg

one ringz to bringz them allz

and in darnezz findz trhwmZ

2:51 PM me: whoaaaaaaaaaa

i am in kub/z lol speekz, being intense

2:52 PM aubreylc: bakk to mordorz u willz cumz?

me: no. i iz scareds of the eye

2:53 PM aubreylc: it zeeeeeez

me: if followz!

2:58 PM aubreylc: it callzzzzzzz

a feast. a feast. a roast beast feast

i have many things for you today. i think that jupiter is in the wizard house . . . it just has to do with the planet's alignment . . . either that or well . . . i'm just a big wiz.

first off:

hot sauce.

hot sauce? you ask.

hot sauce. i say.

this hot sauce.


HOT

adjustable. adjustable! ADJUSTABLE!! the heat is adjustable. the flame is under your control.

i honestly want to buy about seventeen bottles of this. just to be able to mist hot sauce, not pour mind you . . . mist. a fine numinous cloud of tasty pepper flavor. the only question is, can you adjust the heat whilst misting? that would be the truest of all true adjustable heats . . . yes. you can expect me to buy some and list different techniques for heat misting.

next:



i never had a slingshot as a kid. well, i did for a short while. actually, i played with my dad's once. he had one with an arm brace and it was fairly intense. so intense that my 7-year-old self ended up snapping my own face with the band and pocket and splitting my lip. i didn't play with slingshots after that.

this; however, is quite endearing. seems that someone got snapped one too many times with a rubber band held taught betwixt the first finger and thumb in middle school and realized the economy of that positioning.

for information on the stuffs, there's this

i'd much rather just think of slingshot mischiefs i could do with my snazzyshot . . . which is what i think it should be named

entertainments:

it was a cool fall day in eighth grade when i first made the acquaintance of one of my closest friends



oh pikachu, you were my bestie during some of my most awkard times.

and now another chapter is being added to your saga. that's right. that's right. a new edition. motherfucking platinum.

ba-dum

now i only lasted one semester of japanese before ito-sensei broke my spirit and chased me to spanish. oh the ito-inspired sufferings and trials.

but from what i can tell, Googlia, the bastard monster baby of a tapeworm, spider, and king midas needs your help to reclaim the treasure of montezuma from fort knox because team rocket is trying to devalue the american dollar.

oh wait, the american dollar is already shit! this whole recession is team rocket's fault, fuck. someone needs to help Googlia on his quest . . . and you need to catch them all. you just gotta'.

also, there's apparently this

sha-zam-a-wham

i'm gonna be honest, i never flipped my shit for DBZ . . . it just seemed to go on and on and on and have horribly-placed commercial breaks and endless charge ups for massive attacks. except majin-boo was pretty cool. i'm not gonna lie though. i still caught it from time to time. wished i had powers. would secretly secretly wish i could do that shit. oh well. but yes. there's that.


so there you go. i'm spent. i'll lie on my fainting couch now, i have provided you with gizmos and gadgets a plenty, whosits and dragon balls galore.

i must recover. revive. revitalize. and that means one thing



oh, if only this happened each time i opened a bottle. a sweet sweet fountain of aspartame.

you might want to brush your teeth afterwards.

since this occurs on the internet and is the product of image modification, i feel it's wizardly enough . . . mostly though, it's creepy. as in shudders the rest of the day creepy.

this is it


ugh. ugh. ugh.

sure. it's simple. simple in the way that it must have come about from an ungodly amount of alcohol or perhaps marijuana . . . at least i hope so.

laura veirs and lisa loeb, one decade separated musical twins

Aubrey: i'm going to be a great abstracta expressionist sunday night

me: ha. why sunday night?

Aubrey: because i will be alone at laura veirs

4:26 PM sob

8 minutes

4:34 PM me: ha

i mean. i like galaxies, but the rest of her just doesn't do it for me . . . not even enough to leave free downloaded veirs on my computer

4:35 PM cubsey! send me your number so i can send you a picture of my new doggy dog

4:36 PM Aubrey: whatever

i'm over it anyway

xxx-xxx-xxxx

4:37 PM me: ha. like cinco?

4:38 PM Aubrey: de mayo?

me: yes yes

Aubrey: yup

kinda like that

4:39 PM Aubrey: just keep digging

4:40 PM how old?

me: hahahahaha

not sure. my friend and i rescued him from memorial after he wandered by ria's whilst we were eating. we ran around for an hour and a half before getting him calmed down and in the car.

4:41 PM they gave us our meal for free since we were running out to save a stray dog

he's old though. he's arthritic and has a white beard

4:42 PM Aubrey: yea, when the text said "puppy" i was a tad confused

me: ha

not a puppy at all

just puppy dog as a term:]

4:44 PM Aubrey: like you're in the doghouse like a term

me: hahahahaha

oh goodness

wit wit wit

4:47 PM Aubrey: i'm sorry, i just totally flipped when i first heard her and it was like the new joanna newsom for me and the same thing happened when i first heard her and no one liked her and i just don't get it

4:48 PM me: ha

well

i really did like that song . . .

4:49 PM she sort of seems like the 2000s Lisa Loeb . . .

Aubrey: too late dawson

oh helllllll no

you better learn to backpedal better

and faster

4:50 PM Lisa Loeb was on gossip girl last night and i was going off on how lame she is and why would anyone ever put her on the show

~~~~
allow me to submit several pieces of evidence to the jury as to the fact that laura veirs just is lisa loeb about 10 years after lisa did her thing with "stay"

exhibit a (lisa)


exhibit b (laura)


yes. yes. ms. loeb looks far more sultry with her six string than ol' laura, but you've got to admit there's a certain charm to laura in this picture. like your roommate playing a set at the coffeehouse and you going to see her . . . whereas lisa seems to be more of a sexy librarian being crushed under a guitar.

on we move:

exhibit c (lisa)


exhibit d (laura)



once again we have sexy librarian, this time trapped in a tube top, and our good friend and roommate laura has wandered out into the desert in her dance recital best. still . . . the aesthetic and thematic similarities are too much to be ignored. i mean, there is the fact that lisa looks like her cat eyes are gonna jump your bones at any moment while laura will just glance bashfully from across the room that causes me to be far more endeared to veirs than loeb . . . perhaps they aren't twins at all but just two sides of a person. interesting.

so, to you, aubrey, all i have to say is that i shan't backpedal. not one moment. i shall forever and always pedal onwards as if on a fixed gear bike.

my body is a weapon

if you've ever thought of messing with me,

this is how i throw down

i'm really a 14-year-old girl.

sometimes my wikipedia reading in the interest of improving the state of my knowledge of absolute truth is influenced by what i'm feeling.

exhibit a

exhibit b

exhibit c

and if you're as dense as can be, here's just one more . . . don't worry . . . it's a little more straightforward.


exhibit d


but there you go. it's sort of an extension of eating your feelings . . . with one you feed your probably more than likely fat self . . . with the other, you just read random garbage.

This program is not responding

another day at work.

another 11 hours spent sitting at a front desk at a salon, trying desperately to amuse myself.

and a storm is blowing in.

so in response to the odd ennui/loneliness combo that a day at the front desk coming storm duo produces, i have downloaded sim tower. SIM TOWER

oh the hours spent on you.

and hence why i would return to your vertically-assembling bosom in this moment of je nai sais qua.

but alas, this poor behemoth of a computer cannot handle the booking software and the magick salvations of sim tower.

because the 16bit something or other crashed. i may be a wiz, but i cna't fix those computer devices, they run on witchcraft in my opinion.

so i will sit here.

and brood.

oh, the brooding.

i have had a thousand moments in cars

i haven't discovered much in my life. Honestly, i haven't done much. I just don't seem to have the same drive as those other twenty four year olds with three books under their belt. I've been a little bit preoccupied with struggles of my own.

but there are moments when i acutely feel that my life is my own, when i am conscious of nothing more than the space in time i am inhabiting. perhaps that's a bit myopic, but i think my heart needs it. unfortunately, it seems that the closest we can ever come to these moments in time is passing glances. scenery from a train window, mountain ranges passing under an airplane's wing. such images and so forth metaphors.

the best reference point i have to this lies in the film, star trek: insurrection. in this st film, picard falls in love with the ba'ku woman, anji . . . even though it violates the prime directive, yadda yadda yadda. the important point lies in the fact that she teaches picard how to enjoy a single moment. it's around the one minute mark of this:



i put the whole thing down there since it's such an amazing movie and i'm sure that by watching the trailer you will be captivated and will rush out and watch it.


back to point, which is hard when it's competeing for attention with jean-luc picard. JEAN-LUC PICARD!!!!1!!!

but i feel this discovery is a valid treasure. i'm a creative writing poetry major for christ's sake, not only am i ridiculously sentimental, but i've set myself up for a life of not so much moneys . . . i've gotta take what i can get, and that's usually perfect moments with my roommate in her 91 Chevy Beretta with my hand out the window and something good on the radio.

Dairy Queen Desserts of Disaster, pt. 1

After visiting a dairy queen last night, which still is as i remember from childhood, an oasis of dairy goodness locked in a desert of concrete, i came to the decision that some of dq's delicious treats seem to be named after disasters.

there is of course, the blizzard. a concoction of soft serve ice cream and the mixer of your choice. According to wikipedia, the source of easily-accessible absolute truth, "A 'Blizzard' is a severe winter storm condition characterized by low temperatures, strong winds, and heavy blowing snow. Blizzards are formed when a high pressure system, also known as a ridge, interacts with a low pressure system; this results in the advection of air from the high pressure zone into the low pressure area. The term blizzard is sometimes misused by news media to describe a large winter storm that does not actually satisfy official blizzard criteria."

this definition fails to mentions the snickers bits that populated mine last night, or that its ice cream component was born of a large 1950s robot looking machine.

my faith in wikipedia is wavering.

then there is the strawberry cheesequake, which as i understand is a stand alone delight and a blizzard option as well. i understand that the general american populous is fairly desensitized due to the media and grand theft auto, but why, oh why, is it necessary to push a cheesecake to catastrophic proportions? is not a cheesecake in and of itself a thing to be revered and slightly feared? it is not to be taken lightly. but a cheesequake. the name perplexes me. i assume that it is in reference to cheesecake and not just cheese. a quake of cheese.

quake, from the middle english, cwacian.

there, that clears things up.

basically there are only several things that cause quaking, according to merriam-webster: shock, instability, cold, or fear. hopefully it is never a combination of these things.

and then there is of course an earthquake, caused by the action of the tectonic plates . . . will my strawberry cheesequake have tectonic action? are there subduction zones to my soft serve which another dessert element might strike and force beneath it? do i require a special spoon? what effect might my dessert have on the immediate surrounding area? is my dessert the effect of a butterfly in brazil flapping its wings?

dairy queen, i have so many questions, and your backlit display board only promises me sweet goodness and a distraction from the answers i truly crave.

and if you're thinking to yourself, part one, does that mean there is more to follow, i offer this answer

yes. dairy queen, i am not quite through with you. i have actual desserts remaining, and then some suggestions for you and your team of top notch ice cream scientists, such as the shock and awe sundae and the terrorist tower twist . . . if you're going to touch the disaster of the natural, might as well include all other areas of life.

jane austen never could fully understand 133+

does the prevalence of information . . . and by that i mean to say all that is accessible through the magic of the interwebs (pure witchcraft that interwebs, i tell you) . . . well, does this prevalence of information destroy the true ability to long? to long, perchance to yearn and by yearning get a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach. and want to vomit a little bit.

myspace.facebook.blogs.photosites.onlineprofiles.yadda.yadda.yadda.

all these fertile grounds that you might lurk. might gain information on the object of your desire without ever getting nervous, without ever having a conversation, without ever making a fool of yourself, and without ever ever ever rising from your internet-savvy and ever-expanding ass.

what has the information garnered from these sites ever done for you? and by that i mean to imply positive action. sure sure, the pictures are nice - but what happens when you stumble on one of them with their ex? or what about when the wrong person posts on their wall? you know, that person that you've tracked over the comment history to see who they were and what they thought and just how they tried to seduce the man or woman on whom you are currently working

internet longing seems to be such a cop out . . . too easy. what would our victorian predecessors, full of their poetic sensibilities, say about this matter.

they had it down to a science, and i mean, i suppose they had to. living in a society that suppresses any exposition of personal emotion does wonder for a person's ability to quietly brood. they might not have had keyboards, but they had loss of hunger, lack of sleep, pallor, letters, letters, more letters, and when things got really intense, locks of hair. sitting next to the Dashwood sisters, or the Bennet clan, i pale in comparison. my cheeks are rosy, my nights are fairly peaceful, and i have yet to hack any part of my hair off and send it off sealed and stamped.

when it comes down to it, they probably wouldn't reprimand us, that'd probably upset some sort of civil sensibility, they'd just have taken more laudanum . . .